I am afraid dear readers that convention has been thrown out the window here at Dossing Times Towers this week and Top 6 Friday goes the way of Monday Morning Cheer Up and Ninja Tuesday. I simply have not had the time to write a worthy entry and given Simon’s and CK’s absence there’s nobody to pick up the slack.

In it’s place I would like to give you something to think about if I can. Well, tell you about something that struck me one night and fascinated me for several days.

Last year, whilst I walked home inebriated from the local, I glanced skyward and was greeted with a perfectly clear night sky, bejewelled with countless shimmering stars. Entranced, I was struck by how insignificantly small we truly are and quickly my thoughts turned to the vastness of the cosmos. The Universe is infinite, I said to myself and yet at one point in time it would have fit on the top of a needle, just after the Bing Bang.

It was at this point that I had a revelation which I believed to have disproved the Big Bang theory.

Is it not impossible for something to grow to infinity? For example, If I start counting at 1 and I continue counting for ever and ever I will never reach infinity. There will always be another number that I can add and infinity will frustratingly remain unattainable (much like the brunette I had earlier been talking to)

Surely the same principle applied to the Universe and therefore, if it at one point in time would have fit on top of a needle it could not grow to infinity. So either the Universe was not infinite or the Big Bang theory was debunked, and rather embarrassingly, debunked by a drunk Irish man with pass Leaving Cert physics.

Over the next few days the thought bounced around in my mind from time to time. Eventually, I satisfied myself that it was airtight and I decided to tell Simon that he had been wasting his time in college the past 7 years and he should, instead, have come drinking with me more often.

Its funny what verbalizing an issue or thought can do to it once it has been cast out into the cold light of day.

Whilst telling Simon of my genius I had my second revelation which came just before Simon was about to burst my bubble and unfortunately it did the job for him. I was correct in believing that infinity was not something you could reach by simply growing bigger and bigger however I had made a rather simple oversight based on some preconceptions on the nature of life, the universe and everything.

Any ideas what that oversight was?

Question: Can we make it illegal for people to claim that Leader X, Y or Z is the next Hitler?

last week a French native living in Ireland, Mr Michael Audran, struck a blow for humanity when he had the courage to throw an egg at Mr Sarkozy’s motor car as it passed by. If that wasn’t brave enough, Mr Audran had the audacity to use an out of date Ballyfree free range egg, which as we all know are the most putride in the entire eggy universe and whose use would thus incur a far heiftier punishment. However, Mr Audran’s bravado and self sacrifice know no limits and having succeeded in single handedly making Mr Sarkozy flee from our shores, he has vowed to throw a dozen more should the foul fiend return.

This kind of stuff makes the paper these days? Sigh.

With the attention of the national press a large volume of blood obviously rushed to Mr Audran’s brain and in, what must have been an attempt to sound intelligent, he goes and claims that Sarkozy is the French Hitler.

Who hasn’t at this point been called the next Hitler? Has there been any international leader since 1950 who hasn’t at one time been compared to Austria’s worst?

Have these people never heard of the boy who cried wolf?

I just saw a commercial on television advertising Gillettes new 5 blade razor. I can remember when the move from two blades to three happened and that was as momentous as replacing the national anthem.

I feel old and as I love wallowing in misery, I’ve found myself reflecting on the following facts

- This time 10 years ago I was waiting for the results of my Junior Cert exams

- Jump Around was 16 years ago

- As i hid behind the living room sofa, afraid to watch, David O’Leary scored that penalty 18 years ago

- It’s 16 years since I first saw my episode of the Simpsons

- Friends started 14 years ago

- We’ve had the Euro 6 and a half years now

- 11 years since Sinatra died

- The last Nissan Classic was 16 years ago

Sigh

As my laziness soared to even greater heights this morning i found myself googling a description for the Out Of Office reply service for MS Outlook. Shudder the thought that i come up with the 2 liner myself. In my search I stumbled across various lists of humourous out of office replies and I felt i should share some of my favourites with you.

- I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

- I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.

- Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

- Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

- The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (Love this one)

- Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

- Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.

- I’ve run away to join a different circus.

and finally the classic…

- You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

Now, back to my search for those elusive 2 lines!

The Dark Knight is well on its way to being the biggest movie of the year as it took in a whooping $155 million over the weekend in the US. In doing so it eclipsed Spiderman 3’s previous record opening weekend hall of $151m set last year.

This is a good thing on so many levels.

First, Spiderman 3 sucked harder than the black hole at the centre of our galaxy. A movie without a single redeeming characteristic it failed absolutely to deliver in anyway shape or form on the quality promised by the trailer. I have scarsely been as disappointed leaving a movie theatre and the thought that that steaming pile was a benchmark, in anyway, hurt my heart a little every single day.

Second, I have been haunted for some time now by the thought that either Sex and the City or Indiana Jones and the Kindgom of the Crappy Stink would be the biggest movie of 2008, in terms of hype and/or revenue. This now looks unlikely as Batman is going to save the day. It remains unfortunate that both Sex and the City and Indy did great business in their own right as I believe 2 golden opportunities were missed to send a strong and unequivocal message to the studios, that we as an audience demanded better than such cynical, lazy and cash cow milking tripe.  Instead, blinded by our delight at seeing these two franchises on the silver screen we went all Phantom Menace on it and lapped it up!

Ok, rant over.

Third, its a Batman movie and Batman, essentially a badass Ninja, is a complex and infinitely interesting superhero that deserves to sit on top of the superhero tree.

Well this didn’t take long now did it!?

The National Economic and Social Council are worried that the drop in house prices is going to hit the coffers because smaller house prices means smaller stamp duty. This means the Government won’t get as much revenue in tax so they are proposing that we replace stamp duty with a property tax that all property owners would pay! The council claim that such a tax would be more equitable.

It’s been what, about five minutes since house prices started to fall?

Where the hell was the proposal to reduce stamp duty when house prices were going through the roof over the last decade and the exchequer was making a fortune?

No talk about equity back then!

The long awaited day is finally here and yet I find myself having to wait another week.

I’m hazy on the exactly when it was christened but July 18^th 2008 has been known as “Dark Knight” day since my early childhood; ever since CK informed me that it was to be the day Christopher Nolan’s sequel to the excellent Batman Begins would get its worldwide release. As CK is our resident movie Yoda, it never occurred to me to actually check the date for myself.

For the last 5 months I’ve seen awful movie after awful movie, almost without fail (Kung Fu Panda and Ironman notable exceptions) and each time I consoled myself with the thought that Dark Knight Day was fast approaching. I have longed for this movie like no movie since Return of the King, and its done nothing but toy with me. With each image, each brilliant teaser and trailer that’s been released my anticipation levels have been ratcheted up and up, skilfully, mercilessly, so that I now find myself in near hysteria with my need to see this movie.

This movie has actually amplified my fear of death/serious injury because were I to meet my maker before July 18^th 2008, I would not get to see this movie. It’s actually made my life more precious to me than it already was, giving me yet another reason to live.

A week ago I received a punch to the gut. CK was wrong and because of the need for a stupid London premiere, the UK and so by default Ireland, would not be getting the Dark Knight until a week later, July 24^th. (CK, I hold no grudge against you, it was an honest mistake).

Today was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life, but I have to wait whilst America, Australia, Brazil, India, Indonesia, Mexico, Panama, Taiwan, Singapore, Peru, Hong Kong, Greece, Argentina, Egypt and even the Philippines don’t.

I get the hype. The existing stream of glowing reports on the final product and Ledger’s already near mythic performance, will now morph into a raging torrent, making it harder to ignore, harder to endure.

Life is not fair.

Last year I cam 20th in the world on the Premier League Website. So while I think it was luck with our resident top 6 Fridayer CK off in Cuba it is my turn to come up with one. So here goes.

Number 6. Defence is in teams.
Defence points goes like this. 2 points for playing 60 minutes 4 points for a clean sheet. This is primarily how defenders score points. Now this statistic does not differentiate between players ie if you have 2 cracking central defenders and a crap full back. The crap full back is going to get the benefit of the good center backs. I.e clean sheets do not recognise the difference between Evra and Wes Brown. So remember if you are going for a defender because you think his team will not concede much go with his cheapest continuous playing team mate

Number 5

Top defenders can score other points though. By scoring, assists and bonus points. For scoring there is only a few top scoring defenders Lescott and Laursen for instance. With some wingers getting assist points like chimbonda and clichy splash out on one of these but overloading your team on these defenders will strip you of money that can be used elsewhere on the pitch.

Number 4.

Liverpool Players. Benetis will break your heart. What you need to consist players playing week in and weekout. Benetis is likely to rotate his team a lot so beware you don’t want to be bringing in your emergency hull city defender every other week.

Number 3.

Subs. subs are vital because a player can be drop. Especially from any teams playing in Europe. You need your subs to be guaranteed starters. But as you are not planning on using them normally don’t let them drain you of money. There is value in the lower teams use it.

Number 2

Attaching Midfielders can really score points the likes of Gerard, Fabby, Ballack and Ronaldo. Score and assist all day long. While holding midfielders Mascherano might be great but they are not going to generate you points. Midfielders marginally score better then forwards so focus your spending here more so then up front. You need one if not 2 of big fours big hitters. Also look out for midfielders that stake penalties.

Number 1.

Use your transfers. They key to winning is transfers you get 1 a week for free make sure you use it. If Man U are playing Hull make sure you have plenty of Man U attackers on your team. You can plan this in a few weeks in advance building up you team for a match like that. Also players fortunes change during the year be ready to get rid of them.  If a first team goalie gets a long term injury or dropped look at his replacement might be cheaper and open some cash for team improvements next year.

….deliver these words in the manner they deserve!

They call you lady luck
But there is room for doubt
At times you have a very un-lady-like way
Of running out

You’re on this date with me
The pickin’s have been lush
And yet before the evening is over
You might give me the brush

You might forget your manners
You might refuse to stay
And so the best that I can do is pray

Luck be lady tonight
Luck be lady tonight
Luck if you’ve been a lady to begin with
Luck be a lady tonight

Luck let a gentleman see
Just how nice a dame you can be
I know the way you’ve treated other guys you’ve been with
Luck be a lady with me

A lady never leaves her escort
It isn’t fair, it isn’t nice
A lady doesn’t wander all over the room
And blow on some other guys dice

Lets keep this party polite
Never get out of my sight
Stick with me baby, I’m the guy that you came in with
Luck be lady tonight

A lady never flirts with strangers
She’d have a heart, she’d be nice
A lady doesn’t wander all over the room
And blow on some other guys dice

Lets keep this party polite
Never get out of my sight
Stick with me baby, I’m the guy that you came in with
Luck be lady tonight

We miss you Frank!

One of the concerns I, along with alot of others, have with the whole European project, as its now dubbed, is the lack of any real democracy. And no doubt that this was a factor in the vote on Lisbon.

So you can imagine my glee when Mr. Sarkozy  says that we’re going to have to vote again on Lisbon. That’s the way to allay fears that the EU is undemocratic, illustrate that there is actually only one option when we are presented with a treaty.

I mean, why did the Government bother wasting money on the ink used for that “No” box on the ballot papers if No was not really an option! We’re in a recession for God’s sake!

If we are asked to vote again there should be 3 options on the ballot paper.

“Yes”, “No” and “Feck off with yer poxy treaty”!