As part of the information service we like to provide here at the Dossing Times we are using this weeks Top 6 Friday to bring some worrying characteristics of small villages to your attention. It appears to be all about false pretences as these villages tend to prove picturesque, well maintained and ideally located. Our list is restricted to villages, the people of towns and cities such as Sunnydale and Gotham have been long aware of the questionable nature of their characters and positions on hellmouths. Similarly we feel there is no need to mention the dangers associated with soap opera locations such as ‘Emmerdale’ and Summer Bay - you move to these places and you’re asking for trouble.

6. Sandford (’Hot Fuzz’)

The inhabitants of the seemingly picture perfect surrounds of Sandford are highly protective of its manicured, crime free image and will organise an elaborate death for you should you in anyway tarnish said image.

5. Bodega Bay (’The Birds’)

Bodega Bay has been subject to an attack by birds, with a number of its inhabitants found with eyes gauged out, school children attacked en masse and Hitchcockian blondes trapped in phone boxes. This attack remains as of yet unexplained and the risk of a reoccurence means this otherwise sleepy town should be avoided.

4. Aidensfield (’Heartbeat’)

On a weekly basis for over 17 years now the police force of Aidensfield have been stretched in managing the high level of crime the village is subject to. Witness protection programmes, organised crime, people living with false identities and abusive families have each been numbered amongst the social malaise that has burdened the village. Doctors fare especially badly in Aidensfield and most often end up murdered, taken hostage or suffering from fatal diseases.

3. Kirrin (’The Famous Five’)

If looking for a safe place to send a group of children in the summer months when they return from various boarding schools, Kirrin village is best avoided. While your children may initially enjoy ginger beer and picnics events will eventually see your children, dismissed by the adult populaton, need to take on organised crime, with smuggling being particularly rampant. Also the children will spend substantial time in underground tunnels connecting to nearby Kirrin island, making poor use of summer months.

2. Cabot Cove (’Murder She Wrote’)

A buoyant fishing town, again appearances are deceptive with regard to this New England hamlet. The town harbours a dark past as between 1984 and 1996 over 800 murders were committed and their investigation was largely resolved by a middle aged amateur sleuth with the towns police force largely crap. Visitors need especially to be aware of any invitations to the town as one may find they are get mere minutes to offer details of your life and drop some clues before being murdered by someone wearing leather gloves.

1. Twin Peaks (’Twin Peaks’)

Twin Peaks continues the theme of quaint villages of inhabitants being far from what they seem. The murder of a teenage girl presumed to be wholesome and popular, sees the beginning of an investigation that unfurls the quirky, paranormal and paranoid characteristics of the suspects. Events will be so deeply rooted that only a detective fortunate enough to be guided by dreams and the ramblings of a log lady will direct him, evil spirits tend to inhabit the locals and teens work in brothels part time to feed their drug habits.