6. … and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

5. This just in…go to Hell!

4. I’m Kent Brockman, on the eleven o’clock news tonight…a certain type of soft drink has been found to be lethal, we won’t tell you which one until after sports and the weather with Sonny Storm.

3. A bloody end for Homer Simpson…is just one of several possible outcomes according to our computer simulation. Now here is how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs.

2. At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions.
[pause, pounds desk]
It’s in “Revelations”, people.

1. Hi, this is Kent Brockman reporting live for Channel 6 news. How can you tell we are live?…. Penis!